I’ve gotten very good at imagining things. I can imagine that I’m a different person. I can stare into the mirror at my face and forget the present. I can pretend that i’m strong. And i believe it. I can pretend some of the mistakes i made, i actually haven’t made. For a minute. I can believe it. I can see it. I can feel it.
I can imagine seeing someone who is happy to look into my eyes. Someone who gets excited at the very thought of being silly. Someone who appreciates me.. someone who wakes up every day and thinks… oh my god.. i’m so lucky so be where i am. Someone has passion, in something, even if it is just legos.
Someone who wants to be afraid with me. Someone who wants to take risks. Someone who wants to hold my hand while we jump into the deep end. Someone who is as scared as life as i am but enjoys it none the less. Someone who realizes what good health is when they have it. Someone who believes in something, even though they can’t see it.
For once i don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to be afraid of things i don’t know because i can find comfort in knowing i will have someone next to me who is just as afraid.
I look in the eyes in the mirror, snap out of it, and realize i’m still here. I’m still where i am. My imagination has taken over again. I lift up my head and keep doing what i’m doing because i’m not sure what else to do. Where do you go from here?
But the past is there. It will never go away. Perhaps thats a good thing. Who is someone with a perfect past? Someone who has learned nothing. Someone who doesn’t know how to take risks. Probably someone who has never been hurt before. I’d like to meet one person like that.
Is there nobody as perfectly imprefect as me? Someone as weird as me?
I have gotten so good at hiding feelings, this post kills me to post. But getting this out of my mind, somewhat helps.
