Thoughts as words I'll never say.
Enjoy.
Stupid stupid
I really hate feelings.
Why can’t people just be straight forward. Straight forward. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Be faithful to your feelings.
I am just so frusterated.
How hard is it to say what you want.
Stick with it.
Words cannot describe my frustration right now.
I feel like im grasping at sand, sand that was never mine to begin with.
This is so stupid. Why am I doing this.
This will never work.
I wish I could talk myself out of this.
I don’t want to do this.
Or feel this way.
Why did i think that this would work? Why did i think I’d be good enough. People only want what they don’t have.
I’m only good enough, until you have me.
Today i took this photo into consideration. Taking emotional risks. That you can’t handle.
=
Very bad.
Connection
Don’t ask me why I feel this way. I wish i knew. I know in my head I am being irrational, really. I can feel the irrationality going through ever fiber in my being. Yet, I can’t stop thinking, stop wondering, stop wishing. Wishing i was somewhere else. Wishing i was something different. Wishing i was healthy. Wishing that i didn’t feel this overwhelming sense to be near you. Breathe the same air as you. I hate how cheesy this all sounds. I hate being romantic. But, I feel like if i don’t see you when i have the chance, i will explode. Or if i don’t take that chance.. i will explode. I hate this feeling. I wish i could make it go away. At the same time i don’t want it to. At the same time i’m curious. At the same time I wish you knew how it felt.
I will keep suffering, and pretending I’m ok, until you realize how this is. I’m too afraid to tell you. I’m too afraid to ask.
I should not expect anything more
or anything less….
than what i have.
This is where i should be. I’m here for a reason…
i need to accept this.
ggrr.
for one day i deserve to feel guilt free.
For one day i deserve not to feel like crap.
For one day i deserve not to feel like my entire world might collapse around me.
For one day i deserve not to worry EVERY SECOND OF EVERY FUCKING DAY.
Just my imagination…
I’ve gotten very good at imagining things. I can imagine that I’m a different person. I can stare into the mirror at my face and forget the present. I can pretend that i’m strong. And i believe it. I can pretend some of the mistakes i made, i actually haven’t made. For a minute. I can believe it. I can see it. I can feel it.
I can imagine seeing someone who is happy to look into my eyes. Someone who gets excited at the very thought of being silly. Someone who appreciates me.. someone who wakes up every day and thinks… oh my god.. i’m so lucky so be where i am. Someone has passion, in something, even if it is just legos.
Someone who wants to be afraid with me. Someone who wants to take risks. Someone who wants to hold my hand while we jump into the deep end. Someone who is as scared as life as i am but enjoys it none the less. Someone who realizes what good health is when they have it. Someone who believes in something, even though they can’t see it.
For once i don’t want to be scared. I don’t want to be afraid of things i don’t know because i can find comfort in knowing i will have someone next to me who is just as afraid.
I look in the eyes in the mirror, snap out of it, and realize i’m still here. I’m still where i am. My imagination has taken over again. I lift up my head and keep doing what i’m doing because i’m not sure what else to do. Where do you go from here?
But the past is there. It will never go away. Perhaps thats a good thing. Who is someone with a perfect past? Someone who has learned nothing. Someone who doesn’t know how to take risks. Probably someone who has never been hurt before. I’d like to meet one person like that.
Is there nobody as perfectly imprefect as me? Someone as weird as me?
I have gotten so good at hiding feelings, this post kills me to post. But getting this out of my mind, somewhat helps.
“I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it—I will love you through that, as well. If you don’t need the medication, I will love you, too. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and Braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”
